CITY HUMOUR

From the club that brings a whole new meaning to the term Manager of the Month.

City fans are well known for having (requiring!) a certain sense of humour, often laughing at ourselves, though of course our Red neighbours are often targetted too...

There follow some humorous items that have appeared in Man City Info Via The Alps by way of example.

Q:

How many Man. Utd. fans does it take to change a light bulb?

A:

540,001. That's one to change it, 40,000 to say they've been changing it for years and 500,000 to buy the replica kit! In fact, it could be argued 540,002, as someone will have to compare the light bulb to George Best.

A new blue and white Oxo cube is about to be introduced. It'll be called "laughing stock".

The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out "Man.Utd are good enough to win the European Cup." Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"

Q:

Why is Peter Schmeichel like a jigsaw?

A:

They both go to pieces in the box.

Man walking his three-legged dog on Platt Fields finds a lamp which he picks up and removes the cork. Out pops a genie.

Genie: Thank you for releasing me from the lamp, O Master. I have the power to grant you one wish - anything you desire.

Man: Can you make my dog win Crufts?

Genie: What, with only three legs? Wish again!

Man: OK, can you arrange for Man Utd to win the European Cup?

Genie: Let's have a look at that dog again.

A burglary was recently committed at Manchester City's ground and the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen. The police are looking for a man with a blue carpet.

Cantona has been sentenced to 6 hours community service. That means he has to play four games for City!

Man. Utd. fans. Don't waste your money on yet another replica team strip. Simply strap a large plastic penis to your head. It will ten be perfectly obvious to everybody which team you support.

Worried by those expensive end-of-season trips to Wembley?

All those rip-off prices and the struggle to get tickets?

Overcome the problem simply by supporting Manchester City; We've won f*** all in 19 years.

• No Cup finals!
• No trophies!
• No worries!

Life In The Day Of Eric Cantona

A strange self-acclaimed God-like creature from a far distant universe but also claims to be French. Describes employment as "Belittling British footballers by playing for Manchester United."; Hobbies include pretending to be a painter, not being able to understand English and wearing his collars up.

I wake from a tempramental genius of a sleep. A brain-rest full of artistry, brilliance and flamboyant Gallic flicks comes to its conclusion after interruption from 500 United fans sleeping in my garden. They follow me everywhere with adoration but giving me a round of applause for simply waking up is a little irritating. I stroll to the window, open it, look down on my people like Caesar and they chant "he's red, got cred, he's out of f***ing bed. Cantona, Cantona." I fill my mouth with garlic-phlegm and hurl it at the mob. They cheer as they get covered in my inspirational gob. I shake my head and close the window on these cretins. Their lives are so empty and I mourn for the audience that awaits me at my grass stage.

I stroll across the bedroom, tread on one of the kids' stuffed toys and stamp on it until my foot bleeds. In the bathroom I shower alone, pushing out my proud chest to meet head on jets of water. I juggle the little Zest soap on both feet, on my head, shoulder, then bicycle kick it back into its dish. I step out of the shower and three hand-maidens towel me down, rub talc over my gifted body, dress me, so that my shirt collar stays up around my neck. I receive a phone call from Alex Ferguson, asking if it is at all possible that I might show for training this morning. I remind him curtly that "I play. I don't train." I have no need to punish the skills that seep out of every pore, by running round a pitch with clod-hoppers like Bruce and Parker. I cannot understand why they want to be footballers, because every time the ball comes near them they hit it as far away from them as possible. Me, I love to caress, stroke, tease and make love to the ball. That is why I get so enraged by defenders coming up behind me, trying to halt my love-making. I see it as 'soccerus interuptus'. No-one likes a man trampling over you as you satisfy your woman and who wouldn't return the favour with vengeance? I even retaliate with flair. A flick here, a stylish trample there and a flying acrobatic two-footed lunge everywhere.

I grab my sports satchel and have a hand-maiden place it exactly on my back, so that it falls into the arch created by my magnificent posture. I strut out of the house as my hordes of fans drop to their knees, hailing my exit by bowing Wayne's World-like. I run over their bodies stamping on their heads. They yell "ooh aaaagh, Cantona." Then they run round madly showing each other the cuts and bruises I have inflicted on their skulls as if they are works of art. And of course they are. I get into my sports car and I am immediately under assault from toilet rolls, which bounce off the roof. To my delight, the Cantona Worshippers' Suicide Club apologise profusely then stab themselves through the heart and die before my eyes. I nod arrogantly to the rest to take note of their now deceased fellows and make the point even further via a hand-brake turn and drive through the crowd. I look in my rear-view mirror to see them chasing after me singing "He's knocked us all down in his car." These stupid English people.

My arrival at the United training ground is greeted by a trumpet fanfare and a chairlift from my team-mates. Ferguson gives me the thumbs up as a sign of thanks for simply allowing him to play me in his over-rated side. Roy Keane asks if he can stand by my side as I slowly get dressed. I explain to him that he's only in the side as my bodyguard and that I have little respect for midfielders, as they are simply a means to my end. My end has been linked to some delicious females but I treat all that as part of the business. Only I know who I entertained. I make love to a woman, she faints and I sneak off into the night before she stirs again. She has been touched by "ooh-aah, Can-to-na." and that should be enough without ever waking by my Adonis-like side.

By the time I have changed, the training session is over and I get dressed again to go and paint some hillside in a manner that is probably undeserving of a mere God's handiwork. I carry a shotgun to my easel and blast away at the irritant supporters who cheer and sing at every stroke of my brush. I shoot seven of them screaming "Do not interrupt a genius at work." Tiresomely they start another chant. "He feints, he taints, he even f***ing paints, Cantona." I feel in my blood it is time to move onto another country. There is no-one left in Britain that I haven't touched, pissed off, insulted or moved in some creative way. I need a new group of people to toy with, but United will never sell me unless I can sleep with a player's wife. Now that's something to get up for tomorrow!

I love Manchester United, they are great - I know that because I watch them on Sky TV all the time. I once drove past Manchester on my way to a wedding a few years ago but I didn't have time to get to a match (next time maybe). My favourite player is Mark Hughes, but I think I will make it Andy Cole soon because he is worth more now.

They are the best team in the world and I love getting together with all my Man Utd supporter friends here in London to watch old videos of Bobby Charlton and George Best (some of them have only liked Man U for a couple of years since Liverpool haven't been doing very well recently - I used to support Spurs until Gazza left, they're boring now).

I love all of Man Utd's strips and I have bought them all for sitting in front of the telly - my girlfriend wears one too (she loves Ryan Giggs but she still doesn't understand the offside rule).

I once met a couple of blokes in a pub who were from Manchester but they supported a team called City - apparently only the really poor people from Manchester support them instead of United and it's unheard of that someone from London would support City. I can't understand why anyone would support a team who haven't won anything in years. Some people support a team just because they were born there - they must be mad!

Q:

How many City fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A:

None - they're quite happy living in the shadows.

As a followup to the City lightbulb joke...

Q:

How many United fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A:

Who cares? As long as the lightbulb is changed every 3 months, costs 30 quid and comes in a different colour.

Roy Keane was recently quizzed by police about an alleged, unprovoked attack on a pregnant woman. When asked why he attacked the woman, he replied:

"I didn't realise that she was pregnant, I thought that it was a 50-50 ball that she had up her jumper!!!"

Unconfirmed reports from The Swamp suggest that Manchester United will be releasing a new record at the end of the week, "I'm forever blowing Doubles"!

Fire brigade phones Ferguson in the early hours of Sunday morning...

"Mr Ferguson sir, Old Trafford is on fire!"

"The cups man! Save the cups!" replies Alex.

"Uh, the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir."

Today (24/05/95) is ERIC C*N*O*A's 29th birthday and he will be having a meal with his teammates tonight. However, they will have to eat with their hands as they have no silverware (this would be a better joke if we actually won something, oh well)

It's official!

John Stalker has been recalled to serve in Her Majesty's police force.

He's been asked to investigate Manchester City's shoot to miss policy!!

New Manchester United Numbering System

In a bold new move, Manchester United have announced today that, as of this season, they are to abandon the controversial 'squad numbering' system. United's Executive Director of Finance, Martin Edwards, said that the system will be replaced with a revolutionary system of bar-coding, "as we feel it will reduce the check-out waiting time of all the people queueing up to buy our players. Keying those squad numbers and prices into the till was very time consuming and this is a much simpler system" said the delighted financial supremo. The system was revealed at the launch of United's new 'Red Shield Stamps' promotion, whereby anyone who buys a United player gets a stamp to collect in a small booklet. "Anyone with more than 2 stamps gets David May free" quotes Edwards.

I believe the following item was (allegedly) included on RagCall.

"RagCall apologises for not being able to announce the results of United's forthcoming Malaysian tour.

It is hoped that results will be available in advance of the team's departure next week.

A spokesman for Hampshire Constabulary has denied that the delay has anything at all to do with them."

Manchester City Chairman Francis Lee welcomed new manager Alan Ball to Maine Road yesterday and gave the usual reply to the flock of journalists present: "We are delighted to welcome a man who has achieved the highest honours as a player and his track record as a manager mirrors this club's achievements over the last few years. Neither has achieved F**k all." The local job centre was rumoured not to have destroyed the situations vacant card.

On the subject of the goings-on at Maine Road, former City boss Tony Book received an electricity bill for over 3,000 pounds. Upon phoning City chairman/racehorse owner/bog roll magnate, his query was answered: "You were the last one in our trophy room 19 years ago, and forgot to turn the light out."

Under the section headed 'New words for a new age of Man City fans'

Dibble:

The name given to a defect of the brain that affects children who are uncoordinated; for instance, they have great difficulty catching the ball.

Nialquinn:

Kenyan Massai tribesmens' generic name for a giraffe

Summerbee:

Someone who is plainly not as good at what they do as their father was. For instance, Nigel Clough and Damon Hill are summerbees

Apparently, Frannie Lee offered to send the squad on an expenses paid holiday to Florida but they said they'd rather go to Blackpool so they could see what it's like to ride on an open-top bus.

/---------------------------\
|		            |   DO YOU COME FROM MANCHESTER ?
|              ****	    |   DO YOU HAVE RELATIVES IN MANCHESTER ?
|         *  **  *          |   DO YOU LIVE NEAR MANCHESTER ?
|        *   *  ****   	    |
|        *  *     *         |   If you say NO to these three
|          **    *  	    |   questions, you are an ideal person to
|         * *    **	    |   become a fan of
|         *  *     * 	    |
|           *       *	    |               MANCHESTER UNITED
| ****     ***       *      |
|*    *       *      *      | 	Yes, this is your big chance to join
|     *       *      * ***  | 	the ever-growing army of glory hunters
|     *   ****        **  * | 	who can be seen around the country in
|     *  *                * | 	the colours of The Shit. To join the
|    *   *                * | 	newly-formed club, simply place a cross
| ***     ****           *  | 	where you think the city of Manchester
|         ***          ***  | 	is on the map (left). In the unlikely
|      ***               ***| 	event of there being two correct entries
|    *        * *********   | 	and thus a tie, fill in the tie-break
\---------------------------/ 	question at the bottom of the page.


                            * YOU COULD WIN *

FIRST PRIZE: Brand new, 'N' registration Ford Bandwagon for you and
             the others to jump on. This prestige vehicle comes with
             many features, including stereo radio ( pre-set to come
             on at 4:45pm every Saturday as you, of course, won't be
             at the game ).

SECOND PRIZE: One years supply of new design Manchester United shirts.
              These will be despatched to you weekly.

THIRD PRIZE: A complete supply of Manchester United programmes from
             the games that you have attended. Both will be sent in
             the same envelope.

Tie Breaker ( in no more than 12 words )
I feel it necessary to follow a football team that I have absolutely
no connection with because:

......................................................................

......................................................................

Name:  ...........................

Address:  ........................

          ........................

          ........................

Age:....... 	Mental Age:.......

What have Alan Ball and the Titanic got in common?

They both left Southampton and went down shortly after!

News

Apparently fundamental flaws have already been discovered in the new Kippax stand.

The seats are facing the pitch!

Q.

What's the difference between a cocktail stick and Man City?

A.

A cocktail stick has 2 points

Q.

What's the difference between a lift and City?

A.

A lift doesn't take 9 months to go down

Q.

What happens when the opposition cross the halfway line at Maine Road?

A.

They score

City have sacked AB and employed a new Chinese manager.
His name: Win One Soon

P.S. A Rag joke while I'm on the subject:

Q.

What have a three pin plug and Man U got in common?

A.

They're both useless in Europe.

Alan Ball was caught speeding on his way to Maine Road today. "I'll do anything for 3 points", he said.

Francis Lee is considering replacing Alan Ball with Steve Davis. Explaining this unusual move, Lee said "we don't just need points now, we need snookers!"

It's July (close season) at Maine Road, and Francis Lee is reclining in his office chair, allowing himself the luxury of reflecting with some measure of pride on what a smashing club he's got (etc., etc.). Anyway (and after he's put the Kleenex away), the thought suddenly hits him square in the face (podgy, of course) that he should really show his appreciation to everyone at the club by a gesture of some sort. So, he gets thinking, and gradually a plan starts to take shape (money being no object, etc., etc.) (and him not being cheap, naturally). "Ah, yes!!" says Franny, "a cruise..."...

The following weekend sees the entire club, from Franny himself right down to the tea ladies (even Swales is invited), meandering down the Manchester Ship Canal on board a refitted coal barge. Quality!! "Ah, yes", sighs Lee, "what a cracking surprise this has turned out to be and no mistake!", as he admires the sight before his eyes (podgy, of course). "Everyone seems to be having a great time, and the chilled Boddingtons is going down a treat as well."

Suddenly, without warning, the tranquility is shattered by a member of the crew, who comes sprinting up to the bridge (or whatever it's called on refitted coal barges) in a state of some distress. "Captain, captain", he says to the skipper, "I'm afraid someone's shit on the deck!!" "F*****g hell, I'll soon put a stop to that sort of behaviour on my lovely refitted coal barge!!" replies the captain, and reaches for his tannoy.

"Calling all passengers! It's just been brought to my attention that someone's shit on the deck! Come on, own up, who is it?" he blasts.

After a long and painfully embarrassing silence, Niall Quinn eventually raises his hand, and mutters...

"OK, it's a fair cop, but I'm not bad in the air...!!"

There's a man standing on the roof of Old Trafford, preparing to jump on to the pitch below. The police were called, and the chief superintendent called up:

'What are you doing up there?'

'I'm going to kill myself!' came the reply.

'Why?'

'Because Manchester City are bottom of the Premiership and going to be relegated.'

'But', said the copper, 'You're standing on the roof of the Stretford End. Why don't you go to the Kippax Stand? It's much higher, for a start.'

'You must joking,' said the bloke. 'Have you seen the size of the queue over there?'

A man desperate at City's situation decides to top himself. In his living room, alone, he prepares to hang himself. At the very last moment, he decides upon wearing his full City kit as his last statement. A neighbour, catching sight of the impending incident, inform the police. On arrival, the police quickly remove the City kit and dress the man in stockings and suspenders. The man, totally confused asks why. The policeman simply replies, "it's to avoid embarrassing your family.'

A new guy has moved into Manchester, and being a little bored on Saturday he decides to take in a footie game. Upon surveying the papers he sees that City are playing at home so he decides to go to the Academy (not knowing it's Comedy). Upon nearing the ground he gets a little lost so decides to ask a local how to get to the ground. Being the friendly open sort of guy you get in Manchester the local gives him directions.

Mancunian: "Take the first right, follow the road, second left and then right again. You'll be near the ground so you should then see some queues."
Stranger: "Thanks a lot"
Mancunian: "You should see two queues, a long one and a short one, get in the short queue"
Stranger: "Why?"
Mancunian: "Because the long queue's for the chippie"

Overheard conversation:

FL: Alan I want you to go back to Southampton.
AB: But you said my job was safe Franny.
FL: It is. I want you to go back and get us a submarine.
AB: A Submarine? (said with surprise so imagine the pitch)
FL: Yes a Submarine. I`ve heard about 20 thousand leagues under the sea. We might be able to win one.

Some more City jokes (one of my own I hate to admit)...

British Rail have decided to start sponsoring City. BR think we're a suitable team because of our regular points failures.

And one more from a newspaper...

In an attempt to bolster confidence, City arranged a training session where the first team had a practice game against some cones. The cones won 5-0.

Pedestrian to cop: I need directions. How do I get to Maine Road? I want to see Man City play.
Copper: So does everyone else!

A couple were going through the traumatic throes of a divorce when the subject of the custody of their 4 year old became the contended point. The judge said that since the lad's future was at stake he would like to see the young boy alone in chambers. Once in chambers, the judge asked if the boy understood what was happening. The 4 year said "Yes sir, my mummy and daddy won't be living together any more." "That's correct m'boy" said the judge "And would you like to live with mommy?" "No" replied the boy. "Why not?" asked the judge. "Because she beats me!" said the lad. "Hmm" said the judge, "Would you like to live with your daddy then?" Again the boy answered "No." Again the judge asked "Why not?" And the little lad replied "Because he beats me too." "Well then, who do you want to live with?" queried the judge. The young boy quickly replied "Manchester City FC, sir." "Why Manchester City?" Asked the puzzled judge. "Because they don't beat anybody" the boy replied.

Cantonian Rhapsody (sort of fits into the Bohemian Rhapsody tune)

Is this the Moss Side? Or is it fantasy?
Taught by the lies from Matt Busby's Theatre of Dreams
Open your eyes, look right through the lies and see
He's just a french git
deserving no sympathy
Because he's hit them high
hit them low
Karate kick or body blow
Anyway the sod goes doesn't really matter to me
to me.

Mamma, just kicked a man
put my studs in his chest
Then I slapped him round the head
My career had only just begun
But now I've gone and thrown it all away.
Mama, je suis merde, didn't mean to blow my top
If I piss off to Spain some time tomorrow,
Carry on, carry on, 'cos ze Mancs don't really matter.

Lately I have done wrong
Thats what I tell the press.
But I really couldn't care less
Goodbye everybody, I'm due in court
But by the start of October I'll be back

Mama ooooooo
I don't wanna sign
I sometimes wish I'd never left
France at all.

I see a little leather jacket on a man
Sacre bleu! Sacre bleu! I will kick his ****ing head in!
Adidas and Nike might take all those ads off me

Manchestero (Manchestero)
Manchestero (Manchestero)
Manchestero, I've got to go (so pay me moooooooooore)

I'm just a french boy, nobody loves me
(He's just a french boy from a french family, can't blame the parents
for this monstrosity)
Easy come, easy go - a red card you will show
Referee? NOOO!
You must not send me off! (send him off)
Referee?
He's going to send me off (send him off)
Referee? He's gone and sent me off (sent him off)
I'll have my early bath (early bath)
Another early bath (early bath)
NON! NON! NON! NON! NON! NON! NON!
Man United Man United Man United will not let me go
Dementio has a pay rise put aside for me, for me, for meeeeee

yes I think I can kick them and spit in their eye
Yes I know they hate me and I don't care why
Oh baby, I would like to join AC
I'd like to sign, I'd like to sign for Milano

Nothing really matters, anyone can see
None of all this matters, nothing really matters to me.

Anywhere that pays well...

Andy Cole is the first football player to have a University named after him...

UMIST !!!!!!

From the top tier of the Kippax, Moss Side can be seen. This has caused complaints from the people in the bottom tier that they get better value for money as they can see more shots on target from there.

The club is apparently under investigation by the Inland Revenue for tax evasion; they've been claiming for Silver Polish for the past 20 years.

With all the Germans now playing at City the ticket system has been changed to make them feel at home: You now sneak into Maine Road in the middle of the night and leave a towel on a seat.

I've just been poking around on the McEwans soccer website. They have a football field with a bunch of icons on it. I was a bit sloppy with my mousework and clicked on the space between 2 icons. A page came up with big letters saying "You missed. Fancy a career at Manchester City?".

If it weren't true it would be funny!

From the Viz Top Tips:

Manchester United Directors - why spend three million (25m??) on a new 3 tier stand at Old Trafford? Why not relocate and build a brand new stadium somewhere near London to reward your loyal lifelong supporters with a shorter journey home after matches.

What's the difference between a North West Water lorry and Roy Keane's school teacher? One's a water tanker, the other's taught a w**ker.

How many Rags does it take to change a light bulb? As many as you like, they will never see the light.

March 31, 1996: Manchester United 7 Chelsea 1

Manchester United's march towards the double continued today after a stunning Semi-Final display at Old Trafford where it had been switched due to a request from referee Neil Dunn who said it was the only venue where he could ensure fair play and get away with it.

United went ahead just before the kick-off when Gary Neville's through-ball sent the linesman away down the right flank. His cross was handled on the half-way line by a Chelsea defender, and Eric Cantona stepped up to slot the ball home for his 65th penalty of the season, after hitting both posts and the bar. It was no more than United deserved.

The 15th minute saw the Super Reds go two up after Steve Clarke was penalised for coughing just outside the area. Eric Cantona's free kick was handled by Dan Petrescu, struck first time by Giggs, hit the back of a defender's boot, bounced up, struck the rim of a spectator's spectacles and floated, assisted by a freak wind, into the top corner of the Chelsea net. It was no more than United deserved.

The 21st minute saw more trouble for Chelsea, when Ruud Gullit was sent off for enquiring about referee Neil Dunn's red shirt. Two minutes before the interval Chelsea struck back after an amazing piece of good fortune, Dennis Wise hitting home the rebound after a shot had been stopped on the line by the referee. Man U could scarcely believe their bad luck. Alex Ferguson threw down his programme and wouldn't talk to anyone for ten minutes. The restart saw unsportsmanlike Nigel Spackman making ridiculous claims for a penalty after Steve Bruce had accidentally beaten up Terry Phelan. The referee had missed the incident due to his red scarf flowing in his eyes. Ten minutes later Ferguson took off Andy Cole and replaced him with three other players.

Man Utd's third came after Gavin Peacock had been caught offside in his own penalty area. Ryan Giggs took the free-kick, which bobbled home after hitting the underside of the floodlights. The referee claimed the final touch. It was no more than United deserved.

Super-marvel-wonder-Reds goal number four came after ninety-eight minutes after Steve Clarke had conceded a penalty for blatantly glancing at the referee. It was no more than United deserved.

So 4-1 at full time, but referee Neil Dunn sportingly agreed to call it 7-1 after Ferguson threatened to cry and stamp his feet if he didn't. It was no more than United deserved...

Interpreters reported that most of Man United's fans said they had never seen United lose and so would seriously consider going to a second game as long as it was the FA Cup Final, held at Old Trafford and refereed by Neil Dunn, and they could get a better hotel room the next time they came to England...

To the tune of Wonderwall...

Today will be another day, I wish I'd never been a Blue
I'm sure we saw it all before when we went down to division 2
I don't believe that any team has played the way we do,
apart from Slough.

Last week we had a bad defeat that we really could have done without
Felt sure that we were gonna score, but again we left the field with nowt
I don't believe that Bill Shank-er-ley could stop us going down,
Nor could Don Howe

And all the roads to Wemb-er-ley are winding
We ain't got any silverware for shining
We haven't won a single thing for over 20 years
and we wont do now

Cos maybe, we should have got Liam Brady
But after all we got Alan Ball

Today was gonna be the day when I thought we'd sign someone new
But the deal crashed, not enough cash, and he'd only ever played for Crewe
I don't believe that anybody would sign in their right mind anyhow

And all the shots we have on goal go wider
No one ever seems to play a blinder
There are many teams that I would love to see us beat
But I can't see how

Cos maybe, we should have got Richard Madeley
But after all we got Alan Ball.

How many Rags does it take to change a lightbulb? ... Seven, one to change it, five to moan about it and Ferguson to say if the ref had done his job in the first place the light bulb would have never gone out!

As you might remember City didn't put up too good a performance last week in Ireland. This prompted the following joke in Athlone Town's match programme this weekend:

Q

What's the difference between Athlone and Man Utd?

A

Athlone deserved to beat Man City 2-1

How many Rags does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they all fled at the first sign that the light bulb was failing.

************************************************************************
***      OFFICIAL MANCHESTER UNITED PLC SUPPORTERS QUESTIONNAIRE     ***
***  WE WANT TO ENSURE THAT ALL OF OUR FANS GET SERVICED BY THE CLUB ***
************************************************************************

SECTION ONE - ABOUT YOU

United Membership Number : __________________
This number can be found on back of Official United Megastore Club card, probably blu-tacked to your headboard, underneath pictures of Lee Sharpe and Pamela Anderson. You don't have a girlfriend do you? Thought so.

Cost of membership? £_____
How much are you prepared to pay next season? £_____
Even if it doesn't guarantee you any tickets for any of the games? £ ___
Sorry, I forgot. You get free admission to United reserves games. In Bury. And a badge. Bargain.

Your Preferred United Kickoff Time: Sunday 4pm / Monday 8pm

Your home town: London / Basildon / St Ives / Manchester (like really)

Your big match seat: Sofa / Armchair / In bed (with Giggsy bedspread)

Your view: Biased / Blocked (picture of Eric) / Blocked (beer belly)

Have you ever considered going to Old Trafford? ___

Where were YOU when United were s**t?
TICK all of the teams that you've supported over the past five years:
Blackburn Rovers ___ Leeds United ___ Arsenal ___
TICK all of the teams you'll be supporting next year?
Newcastle United ___ Glasgow Rangers ___

Number of your mates who now support United? ____________________
Number of Mancunians (if any): _
Number claiming to be lifelong United fans? ____________________

SECTION TWO - UNITED FACTS AND FIGURES 1995/96 SEASON

Number of punches thrown by Cole, Keane and Butt? _____

Number of times Cole, Keane and Butt told ref to F**K OFF? _____

Define, in your own words, the meaning of the phrase "rôle model".

Number of yellow cards United got? _____

Number of red cards United got? _____

Number of disciplinary points accumulated this year? _____

Take time to express your true feelings of pride at these statistics. In fact why not set up your own internet page just to broadcast the fact? And while you're about it. let's hear why Eric shouldn't have been kicked out of football again...

SECTION THREE - THE FOOTBALLING ESTABLISHMENT

1. Number of decisions that go United's way when they're losing? ___

2. Number of incorrect and blatantly biased decisions? ___

Does Total 2 minus Total 1 equal zero? It does? Thought so. Now define the word "cheat". Extra marks for using the word "bribery".

Tick HERE ____ for your very own personalised copy of the Official Salford Refereeing Alliance Handbook
SAMPLE:
If United are losing, how many minutes does "injury time" last?

CIRCLE   1   2   3   7   25   120   9538

Just why do BSkyB TV host, update and sponsor the United WWW page?
Just why do the BBC hold shares in Manchester United PLC?
Just explain the concept of fair and unbiased football coverage. Go on.

SECTION FOUR - UNITED IN THE FUTURE

PLAYER OF THE SEASON

Eric Cantona ___  (does your mum starch your collar before you go out to
                   play in the local park?  Do people laugh?  Thought so.)
Nicky Butt   ___  (even if he's been suspended for half the season)
The Referees ___  (get United more goals than Cole and at half the price)
Bryan Robson ___  (as you probably don't know that name of anyone else who
                   plays for United)

THE TRANSFER MARKET

Name the next player rumoured to be "on his way to Old Trafford" (speculate as much as you like, Ferguson won't be buying anyone).

Name the next youth player you'd like to see approached by United. What underhand, illegal tactics and incentives should be employed this time?

Now, amaze all your friends by turning Sheep Shit into King in just ONE season with "The Cross Pennines Transfer Request" kit. Truly astounding! Available at your local United Megastore and endorsed by Howard Wilkinson.

UNITED COLOURS OF MANCHESTER

What colour would you like next seasons kits to be?
Home kit:
Away kit:
Second Away kit:
Sunday Afternoon kit:
Monday Evening Exclusively Sponsored by Ford and Sky WWW page kit:
Midweek Print-your-own-Money European Super League kit:

Do you intend buying them all? You do? Thought so.

SECTION FIVE - THE QUIZ ON MANCHESTER'S FAVOURITE SON - ANDY COLE

1. How much did Andy cost? £__,___,___,___,___,___,___,___,___.00p
2. How much? You must be joking???
3. Number of shots Andy had during the season??? ___
4. Number of Andy's shots that hit the bar? ___
5. Number of Andy's shots that hit the post? ___
6. Number of Andy's shots that hit the corner flag? ___
7. Number of Andy's shots that hit the keeper? ___
8. Number of Andy's shots that hit the roof (of the stadium)? ___
9. Number of Andy's shots that hit the bar (of the nearest pub)? ___

Now add up the totals for questions 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 and 9. They should add up to the total for question 3. They do? Thought so.

Which ONE of the following DID Andy Cole manage to hit this season?
Back of the Net ___ Decent Cross ___ Barn Door ___ Opponent ___

BSkyB's best excuse for Andy Cole missing an open goal this year?

What has Old Trafford on a Saturday afternoon at 4.45pm got in common with Wormwood Scrubs?

They are both full of cockneys trying to get out.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were exploring deepest, darkest Africa when they came across a huge river. They were just wondering how they would get across when a leprechaun appeared on the riverbank (It's a long way to Tipperary - he'd got lost). "If you can get across this river without being eaten by the crocodiles" he said, "I'll give you my pot of gold..."

"No problem" says the Englishman. He gets halfway across before being swallowed by an enormous crocodile. The Scotsman goes next but almost as soon as he touches the water, a croc. gets him. Finally it's the Irishman's turn. Before diving in, he gets out a permanent marker and writes "Man City for the league and cup double 1996-97!" on his shirt. He then dives in and swims all the way across, no problem.

"Thats amazing" says the leprechaun, "How on earth did writing "Man City for the league and cup double 1996-97!" stop the crocodiles from eating you?"

"Well", says the Irishman, "Man City for the league and cup double 1996-97? Not even a crocodile can swallow that..."

An antique collector walks into a store in a place called Hamelyn. He sees a small brass rat on the shelf. After looking for any other bargains in the store, he decides he wants to buy the rat. He asks the storekeeper "How much for the brass rat?" The storekeeper says "Ten pounds for the rat. One hundred and twenty pounds for the story." The guy says "What's the story?" The storekeeper says "I won't tell you unless you give me a hundred and twenty pounds." The collector says "Skip the story", pays for the rat, and walks out of the store. He puts the rat in his backpack and starts riding his bike across the nearest bridge.

A short time later, the guy looks behind him and sees a rat following him. This strikes him as odd but not unheard of, so he pedals on. A moment later he hears cars honking behind him and turns around to see a pack of about a dozen rats following him. He turns and pedals faster. Finally, as he nears the other side of the bridge he looks behind him and sees hundreds of rats chasing him. He concludes that the rats must be chasing the brass rat and decides this is too much. He stops his bike, pulls the rat from his pack and throws it off the bridge into the river. He watches as the huge pack of rats jump off the bridge and drown. Relieved but curious, the guy pedals back to the antique store. The storekeeper sees him come in, shakes his head, and says "You should have bought the story. You can still have it for one hundred and twenty pounds." The guy shakes his head and says "Forget the story. How much for the brass Manchester United supporter?"

Q:

Why does Eric Cantona wear his collar up?

A:

To hide the marks from carrying Cole!

Franny is out shopping in town one Saturday afternoon when he takes a funny turn outside the Midland hotel (must be the pressure). Luckily for him there happens to be a conference on in the hotel and some of the delegates gather round. "Who is it?" asks some dopey cockney Rag, "It's Franny Lee" someone replies "and he's fainted, let's get him inside." They carefully carry him inside and after giving him some water he slowly comes round. "Where am I?" asks Franny. "It's alright" says the guy who found him "you're in the conference."

"***king hell!" says Franny, "what happened to the second and third divisions?"

A man is driving his car quite erratically, and the Police stop him. The officer says that he will have to be breathalysed at which point he pulls out a card saying that he suffers from bad asthma so can't do that.

The officer then says that he will have to go down to the station and give a blood sample, at which point the man brings out a card saying that he is a haemophiliac so can't give blood.

At this the officer says that he will have to have a urine sample, at which the man brings out a card which says, 'This man is a Manchester City supporter....'

The Electronic Sun: Sport:

Solar System champions, Neptune Rangers, are reported to have made a bid for Alan Shearer worth eight billion trillion space dollars - with out-of-sorts striker, Ming the Merciless, going to Ewood as part of the deal.

Ace Sun reporter, Reg Tosser, defended his story saying, 'Two of our top quality photographers captured Alan Shearer pointing towards the sky and talking to his two young daughters in his garden in Southport. Clearly, Mr Shearer was explaining to his children that they would soon be moving to outerspace when the deal is finally signed.'

Sources close to Neptune Rangers are reported to think Shearer is quite a good player, 'He's quite good isn't he?' said Brian Zork, Rangers Manager. And as speculation mounted that Shearer would soon leave the tiny little plague-ridden, poverty stricken, pit-village of Blackburn on the outskirts of Manchester, Neptune Rangers refused to confirm that they had already set aside a transporter pod for Alan Shearer; and NASA claim no knowledge of a special Space Shuttle being chartered to take Mr and Mrs Shearer and their children to the outer reaches of the Solar System.

To add further fuel to the frantic speculation - it has emerged today that Neptune Rangers' new kits (in distinctive anti-matter and krypton diagonal hoops) haven't appeared in shops on Pluto with '9 SHEARER' printed on the back.

Neptune Rangers may wish to sign Shearer in order to increase their season ticket sales - 'most people on Neptune support Man Utd', said Brian Zork.

A little boy from England had gone to Rome on holiday with his family hoping to see the Pope. Anyway, a couple of days after they'd arrived, the Pope was doing a tour of the city in his Popemobile. The little lad was a bit worried that the Pope wouldn't be able to pick him out in the crowd, so his Mum said "don't worry, the Pope is a footy fan, so wear your City shirt and he's bound to pick you out and talk to you."

So, they're in the crowd, but the Popemobile drives past them and stops a bit further down the street where John Paul gets out and speaks to a little boy in a Man Utd shirt. The lad is distraught and starts crying. His Mum says "don't worry, the Pope's driving around tomorrow as well, so we'll get you a Utd shirt and then he's bound to stop to see you."

The next day arrives, and the boy's got on his new Utd shirt. The Popemobile stops right by him, John Paul gets out, bends down and says to the lad "I thought I told you to f**k off yesterday?"...

Steve Coppell and Alex Ferguson are getting interviewed and the interviewer turns to Alex:

"So Alex, after a few disastrous results in the last couple of weeks where do you see Utd's season going from here?"

"Well, as I said at the start of the season, our main aim is to win the European Champions Cup and I still think we're in with a good chance!"

Interviewer turns to Coppell:

"So then Steve, what do you think of City's prospects then?"

"Well I'm hoping that we'll go up as champions and probably win the FA Cup, then take the Premiership by storm next year with a possible Grand Slam of all major domestic trophies!"

The interviewer is a bit shocked and turns round to Coppell and says:

"You're not serious, surely?"

"Well Alex bloody started it!!"

Franny Lee was spotted in a Supermarket yesterday. On noticing an old woman struggling with five bags of shopping, Franny asked her "Can you manage dear?" The old woman replied "Get lost!, you got yourself into this mess, don't ask me to sort it out! Anyway," she continued, "what are you doing in here?" "I'm getting some booze, oh and also a new pair of gloves for Andy Dibble." "Sounds like a good swap to me," she said.

This one comes courtesy of our friends from Leeds.

Have you got what it takes to support Leeds, Man City or Man United? Answer these questions to find out.

I support my team because
a) I live nearby
b) I live nearby, but wish I didn't
c) I long for European nights, Wembley finals, lots of media coverage and basically my local team is s***e.

Watching my team
a) Has its ups and downs
b) is nothing but downs
c) is great on my new TV

It's costly supporting my team because
a) we've gone all-seater
b) I keep betting on us at the Ladbrokes' booth
c) Away shirts cost a bloody fortune these days

Since the Taylor Report on Safety at football
a) The atmosphere has diminished
b) We're still playing crap
c) I've fixed a rope ladder to my bedroom window and bought a seatbelt for my armchair

To see some action in Europe next year
a) we need to start scoring some goals
b) I've booked a Club Med holiday to Majorca
c) I'll be subscribing to Sky Sports

Paul Scholes
a) is intensely ugly
b) will enjoy himself against our defence for years to come
c) is on lots of posters on my bedroom wall

The sort of player who I'd like to see playing for us
a) would give 100% every match
b) would never sign in a million years
c) will sign if he's paid enough

Football Violence
a) is on the decline
b) is what I feel like at a quarter to five
c) is throwing your pizza box at the TV set.

Manchester is
a) A stinking slum and thank God I don't live there
b) A stinking slum, but it's home
c) A wonderful, beautiful place that I've never been to

A penalty is usually given
a) for a handball or a foul
b) All too frequently against us
c) When one of our players falls over near the box

Your team narrowly loses the title to your deadliest rivals in a thriving final league game. Do you
a) Say "Never mind, there's always next year"
b) Stone the players coach and cry your eyes out for the next three months
c) Start supporting your deadliest rivals

Your team wins the title. Do you
a) Celebrate for a day or two then look forward
b) Wake up. Of course it was all a dream.
c) Bore the pants off everyone with comparisons of the Brazil team of 1970

When I die
a) my ashes will be scattered over our pitch
b) we still won't have won anything
c) nobody will care

Mainly A's - You support Leeds
Mainly B's - You support Man City
Mainly C's - We don't want to know!

Rumour has it that City have got a new sponsor: Tampax.

The board thought it was an appropriate change as the club is going through a very bad period.

The last time Man City were in Europe their ship was attacked by pirates.

A Man City fan was discontented with their performance so he nailed his season ticket to the gates; when he came back in the morning the nails had been nicked.

Why are there more Manchester Un***d supporters than Manchester City?

When you were a kid, your mum always said "... and keep away from that Maine Road!"

One day, a man was walking along the beach and came across an odd-looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a Genie actually appeared.

"For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes," said the Genie.

The man was ecstatic. "But there's a catch," the Genie continued. "What catch?" asked the man, eyeing the Genie suspiciously. The Genie replied, "For each of your wishes, every Man United supporter in the world will receive double what you asked for."

"Hey, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man. "What is your first wish?" asked the Genie. "Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!"

Poof! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man. "Now, every Man United supporter in the world has been given two Ferraris," said the Genie. "What is your next wish?"

"I could really use a million dollars..." replied the man, and Poof! One million dollars appeared at his feet. "Now, every Man United supporter in the world is two million dollars richer," the Genie reminded the man. "Well, that's okay, as long as I've got my million," replied the man.

"And what is your final wish?" asked the Genie.

The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."

Two blokes, one a City fan, one a Rag fan are sitting in the pub on a Saturday afternoon at 4.45pm. In comes a dog, walks up to the City fan and barks twice. "Oh no, City lost again" he says. "How do you know?" asks the Rag. "Well, when my dog comes in and barks twice I know City have lost." The other bloke is a bit sceptical but on checking the teletext finds that City have indeed gone down.

The next week the same two blokes are sitting in the pub when the dog comes in and barks twice. "Oh no, City lost again!" On checking, another defeat this weekend. The Rag says "That's a pretty amazing dog you have, what does he do when City win?" The City fan replies "I don't know, I've only had him a year!"

Andy Dibble was up for a charge of allegedly sexually manhandling a woman but the woman recently dropped the charges. When asked why she dropped the charges the woman is alleged to have said: "I saw Andy Dibble play against Oxford and his handling was so bad that I knew immediately that it was a case of mistaken identity."

Manchester United are about to launch yet another new goalkeeping strip. It comprises a pointed white hood and a flaming cross.

Two boys are playing football in the park when one of them is attacked by a rottweiler. Thinking quickly, his friend rips a plank of wood from a fence, forces it into the dog's collar and twists it, breaking the dog's neck. All the while, a newspaper reporter who was taking a stroll through the park is watching. He rushes over, introduces himself and takes out his pad and pencil to start his story for the next edition. He writes, "Manchester City fan saves friend from vicious animal." The boy interrupts: "But I'm not a City fan." The reporter starts again: "Manchester United fan saves friend from horrific attack." The boy interrupts again: "I'm not a United fan either." The reporter asks: "Who do you support, then?" "Liverpool," replies the boy. So the reporter starts again: "Scouse bastard kills family pet"

There was a City fan with a really crappy seat at Maine Road. Looking with his binoculars he spotted an empty seat on the half way line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.

When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big City fan." The other man replied, "I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask you why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"

The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."

A rather inhibited engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the "craziest" thing he had ever done in his life. Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to a life belt, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island.

Outside of beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end, sat under the same palm tree. One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowing boat appeared.

"I'm from the other side of the island," she said. "Were you on the cruise ship, too?"

"Yes, I was," he answered. "But where did you get that rowing boat?"

"Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, what did you use for tools?" asked the man.

"There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that's how I got the tools. But, enough of that," she said. "Where have you been living all this time? I don't see any shelter."

"To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach," he said.

"Would you like to come to my place?" the woman asked. The engineer nodded dumbly.

She rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid and around a palm tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. "It's not much, but I call it home." Inside, she said, "Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No, thanks," said the man. "One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!"

"It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas."

Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"

"No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island."

"Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp. Next he showered - not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom - and went back downstairs. He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked.

"You look great," said the woman. "I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable."

As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds.

"Tell me," she asked, "we've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely... is there anything that you really, really miss? Something that all men and women need? Something that would be really nice to have right now!"

"Yes there is!" the man replied, shucking off his shyness. "There is something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just... well, it was impossible."

"Well, it's not impossible, any more," the woman said.

The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: "You mean you actually figured out some way we can get MCIVTA by e-mail here...?"

A Royal Navy stoker dies and goes to hell. The Devil comes up to him on his first day and sees him smiling. "What are you smiling about?" asks Lucifer. "I just love it here. It's like a spring day in the boiler room." The Devil angrily walks off, and decides to get him. "I'll turn the heat up all the way. That'll show him."

The next day the Devil checks back with our hero only to find him happy once again. "What now?" says the evil one. "This heat is great! Reminds me of a summer's day in the boiler room." The Devil realises that he has been going about it all wrong. "Tomorrow I'm going to make it colder than a Siberian winter."

He returns the next day to find the stoker shivering and blue, but grinning from ear to ear. "What could you possibly have to be happy about?"

"It's pretty obvious, isn't it?" replied the stoker. "Manchester City must have won the Premier League!"

Snow White, Arnold Schwazennegger and Quasimodo are having a conversation. Snow White says "Everybody tells me I am the most beautiful, divine woman that any man has ever laid his eyes on, but how do I know?"

Arnie says "I know what you mean. Everybody tells me I am the most muscular, hunky man that has ever lived, but how do I know?"

Quasimodo says "Yes. Everybody tells me I am the most disgusting, despicable, grotesque creature that has ever roamed the earth, but how do I know?"

Snow White says "Let's go and see the wise man!" So off they go. Snow White goes in first and five minutes later she comes out and says: "It's true. I am the most beautiful, divine woman that any man has ever laid his eyes on."

Arnie goes in and five minutes later he comes out and says: "It's true. I am the most muscular, hunky man that has ever lived."

Quasimodo goes in and five minutes later he comes out and says: "Who's this David Beckham character then?"

A van driver used to amuse himself by scaring the s**t out of every Manure fan he saw strutting down the road in his scum uniform. He would swerve as if to hit them, and at the last minute, swerve back onto the road. One day as he was driving along the road, he saw a priest hitch-hiking. He thought he would do his good deed for the day and offer the priest a lift.

"Where are you going, Father?" he asked.

"I'm going to say Mass at St Joseph's church, about 2 miles down the road," came the reply.

"No problem," said the driver, "Jump in and I'll give you a lift."

The happy priest climbed into the van and they set off down the road. Suddenly the driver caught site of one of the b******s on the pavement, and instinctively swerved as if to hit him, but just in time, remembering the priest in his van, swerved back to the road again, narrowly missing him.

Although he was certain that he didn't hit him, however, he still heard a loud "thud". Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors, and, seeing nothing, said to the priest, "Sorry Father, I almost hit that Scum supporter walking down the road there."

"That's okay," replied the priest, "I got the bugger with the door!"

A lifelong supporter died early last January and his wife rang the club to ask whether, if he was cremated, his ashes could be scattered in one of the goalmouths at Maine Road. A spokesman for the club very kindly explained that they had many such requests and it really was not possible to fulfil all of them. But, as he had been a supporter for many years, the spokesman had a suggestion. His idea was that the club would arrange for him to be stuffed and, as his season ticket was still valid, he could be placed in his seat complete with scarf, bobble hat etc. and he could then be there for the rest of the season. The wife thought this was a very good idea so the club made all the arrangements and propped him up in his seat wearing his City scarf etc. At half time at the Bury game in February he got up and walked out!

MANCHESTER UNITED TV: FIRST SCHEDULE REVEALED!

MANCHESTER UNITED launched their exciting new cable television channel MUTV yesterday, and here are the first day listings.

7am, THE BIGGER BREAKFAST
Dieting the Brian Kidd way.

9am, BLUE PETER
What is Schmeichel actually saying when he's shouting at his defenders? (Subtitles)

11.30am, MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE
Teddy Sheringham on filling Cantona's shoes.

12.30pm, EVERY SECOND COUNTS
Quiz with Alex Ferguson and his famous stopwatch.

1.30pm, NEIGHBOURS
A look at cross-town rivals City (A study into fan loyalty).

2.30pm, THE GREAT ANTIQUES HUNT
Bryan Robson explains what possessed him to sign Gary Pallister.

3.30pm, ANIMAL HOSPITAL
Rolf Harris looks at how the surgeons helped Roy Keane back to full fitness.

4pm, CHANGING ROOMS
David Beckham talks about the one he sat in for most of the second half against Argentina.

5pm, WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE LIKELY LADS?
Ben Thornley, Graeme Hogg and other 'new George Bests' reveal all about their exciting new careers at Accrington Stanley.

5.30pm, WESTCOUNTRY LIVE
United's traditional fan base have their say.

6pm, BOBBY CHARLTON'S FOOTBALL SCRAPBOOK

7pm, GARRY BIRTLES' FOOTBALL SCRAPHEAP

8pm, BLANKETY-BLANK
Highlights of United in the Champions League knock-out stages, with Andy Cole, Teddy Sheringham and Ole Gunnar Solskjaer.

8.30pm, THE VANISHING MAN
Jaap Stam talks us through his Charity Shield performance.

9pm, RED DWARF
The Paul Scholes story.

9.30pm, MEN BEHAVING BADLY
Starring Norman Whiteside and Paul McGrath, with guest appearance by Tommy Docherty and George Best.

10pm, QUESTION TIME WITH ALEX FERGUSON

10.01pm, WINNER TAKES ALL
A big-hearted tribute to Arsenal's 1997-98 season.

11pm, RED NOSE DAY SPECIAL
More laughs with Peter Schmeichel.

12pm, SHUTDOWN
(Shutdown may be delayed by up to 20 minutes on the order of Alex Ferguson - not, repeat not the referee!)

DAY 2 OF MAN UTD TV

11:00 HOW DO THEY DO THAT?
More seemingly impossible feats explained: How to win the European Cup, how to lose graciously, how to stop your arm shooting up when the ball goes out of play.

12:00 KIDS' HOUR:

12:00 - SPOT - Nicky Butt on skincare

12:15 - SUPERTED - The number 10 doesn't want to let the fans down again, but can he regain his superpowers before the new season starts?

12:30 - THE FLINTSTONES - Neanderthal fun with Roy Keane and David Beckham

13:00 FILM: I MARRIED A MONSTER FROM OUTER SPACE
David Beckham's wedding video.

14:30 THE BOOK PROGRAMME
Alec Ferguson talks about his favourite reads of last season, starting with Great Expectations and ending up with Paradise Lost.

15:30 THE TRAVEL SHOW
A must for all fans this week as we show you how to get to Manchester.

16:00 TALES OF THE UNEXPECTED
Keane makes a clean tackle, Neville confesses to touching the ball last before it went out and nobody appeals for a penalty when Cole is tackled in the box (repeat).

17:00 WATCHDOG
What are your rights if you spend a fortune on something that doesn't do the job it was intended for? Anne Robinson takes Poborski and Cruyff back to the shop. PLUS have you been overcharged for the new Second Class Stam?

17:30 CAN'T SHOOT, WON'T SHOOT
Today's celebrity guests are Andy Cole and Teddy Sheringham.

18:00 ROUGH JUSTICE
A special report on a throw-in that the referee gave the wrong way in last season's home match against Arsenal (continues tomorrow).

19:00 TOP GEAR
Teenage fans show off their favourite replica shirts (1 of 10).

19:30 WIN, LOSE OR DRAW
Quiz. Alec Ferguson and his team take on all comers at Old Trafford (subsequent programmes may be subject to delay/cancellation in the event that Man U are losing or drawing after 30 minutes and need additional time to catch up/scrape a victory).

20:00 FILM: THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY
Paul Scholes, Andy Cole and Phil Neville have an adventure.

22:00 EUROTRASH
A look at some of the teams United have failed to beat in their quest for European Champions' League glory. This week: Galatasaray.

22:30 WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?
A petulant Fergie discusses a throw-in decision with the referee's assistant.

I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy. My parents live in Wellington and one of my sisters, who lives in Palmerston North, is married to a Londoner.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Auckland. I have two brothers, one whom is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Mt Eden Prison, Auckland, for the rape and murder of a teenage boy in 1994, and the other is currently being held in the Wellington Remand Centre on charges of incest with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Christchurch and indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel. However, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancee utilising her knowledge of the industry working as the Manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team, although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.

My problem is this:

I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family and, of course, I want to be totally honest with her. Therefore, should I tell her about my brother-in-law being an Manchester United fan?

Now that Sky own United you'll notice a few changes:

1. Page three of programme suddenly becomes more interesting.
2. Season ticket now known as 'direct pay-per-view scheme'.
3. As a cost-cutting exercise, first team squad replaced with cast of Sky's Dream Team.
4. Half-time entertainment: Back-to-back episodes of Friends, plus an all-new ER!
5. In tribute to Michael Knighton, Murdoch plans to juggle figures in front of Stretford End.
6. Teddy Sheringham and Ole Gunnar Solksjaer given free transfers to Sky Strikers.
7. Fred The Red out, Bart Simpson in.
8. Bobby Charlton, Denis Law etc. forced to play 90 minutes each week under guise of 'Man United Gold'.
9. Paul Scholes goes topless.
10. All Man United games to be shown live on Sky. So no change there, then...

Apologies to Oasis - re-work of "Cast No Shadow" off 'What's the Story Morning Glory' - in honour of Rupert.

Here's a thought for every Rag
Who tries to understand what is in his head
He walks along the Old Kent Road of love and life
Surviving from a can
Bound with all the weight of Murdoch's gold he's never seen
Chained to that one place up in the North he's never been
Bound with all the weight of all the crashing Euro dreams
As he faced the sun he cast no shadow
Murdoch's took his soul and stole his pride
As he faced his son he heard 'go to hell!'

There's a Blue, a Rag and Claudia Schiffer sat on a train. The train goes into a tunnel and it all goes dark, there a kissing sound and then a smack. When the train gets out of the tunnel the Rag is holding his face.

Claudia thinks "The Rag must have tried to kiss me and kissed the Blue by mistake, so the Blue hit him."

The Rag thinks "The Blue must have kissed Claudia and she's gone to hit him, missed and hit me."

The Blue thinks "I can't wait for the next tunnel so I can make a kisssing sound and hit the Rag b@st@rd!"

There's a guy from Manchester (City fan) driving from Manchester to London and a guy from London (Rags fan) driving from London to Manchester. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions. The City fan manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damages. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I am really lucky to be alive."

Likewise the Rags' fan scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck." The Rags' fan walks over to the City fan and says, "Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of such rivals."

The City fan thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right. We should be friends. Now I'm gonna see what else survived the wreck." So the City fan pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels. He says to the Rags' fan, "I think this is another sign from God that we toast to our new found understanding and friendship." The Rags' fan says, "You're damn right" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down the Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Rags fan hands it back to the City fan and says, "Your turn". The City fan twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the cops to show up."

After Eric the frog dies and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on a tour. He shows Eric a little two-bedroom house with a faded MUFC banner hanging from the front porch. "This is your house, Eric. Most people don't get their own homes up here," God says.

Eric looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting on top of the hill. It's a huge two-story mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all the windows. Man City flags line both sides of the sidewalk and a huge Man City banner hangs between the marble columns.

"Thanks for the house, God, but let me ask you a question. I get this little two-bedroom house with faded banners and Joe Mercer gets a mansion with brand new Man City banners and flags flying all over the place. Why is that?"

God looks at him seriously for a moment, then with a smile, says, "That's not Joe's house, it's mine!"

Alex Ferguson is curious how Arsenal reached the double last year, so he decides on a visit to London to see how Arsene Wenger coaches his team.

After one day he is not really impressed by the training practices, so he asks Wenger how he gets his players so sharp. 'Well it is simple. I sometimes ask my players a difficult question, and that way they stay really sharp mentally'. Of course Fergie wants an example, so Wenger asks Bergkamp to come over to the sidelines. He asks: 'Dennis, he is not your brother, but still he is your father's son. Who is he?' 'That is not difficult', Dennis answers immediately, 'Of course that is me'. 'You see? That's the way you keep them sharp', Wenger says to Fergie.

Ferguson, who wants to win the double also, decides to bring this into Manchester United's practice the next day. He calls David Beckham over to the sidelines. 'David, I have a question for you', he says, 'He is not your brother, but still he is your father's son, who is he?' 'My God, Coach', is the Spice Boy's reply, 'That is a tough one to answer, can I sleep on that one night, and why do you ask me these questions?' Fergie explains it has to do with some continental coaching trick and agrees with the one night postponement.

So that night Beckham decides to call Jaap Stam. He has played on the continent, maybe he knows something about these continental coaching methods. 'Jaap, maybe you know the answer to this question, he is not your brother, but still he is your father's son. Who is he?' 'That is easy, that is me!', says Jaap Stam.

So the next day David walks full of confidence to Ferguson. Fergie asks: 'David, do you know the answer to my question now?'. 'Yes it was actually very easy', he says, 'Is it Jaap Stam?'

Ferguson answers: 'No of course not you stupid b*****d. It's Dennis Bergkamp.'

Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees, asking, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers "241."

"That is wonderful," says Albert, "We will talk about the Grand Unification theory and the mysteries of the universe. We will have much to discuss."

Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What is your IQ?" To which the lady answers "144."

"That is great!" responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss."

Albert then goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" and the man answers, "31."

Albert responds, "So how did Man U get on this season, huh?"

Nicky Weaver and David Beckham were flying together to the World Cup when their plane crashes and they die. They enter the Pearly Gates of Heaven and God takes Beckham on his tour of Heaven first. He shows David a little two bedroom house with an old, faded Man. Utd. banner hanging from the front porch. "This is *your* house, David. Most people don't get their own house up here." God says to him. Beckham looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting at the top of the hill. It's a huge three-story mansion with white marble columns. Manchester City flags line both sides of the sidewalk and a huge City banner hangs between the marble columns. Beckham turns to God and says: "Thanks for the house, God. I really appreciate it. But let me ask you a question. I won a bunch of Championships while I was down on Earth and I get this little two-bedroom place with a faded banner, and this kid Weaver gets a mansion with new Man City banners and flags flying all over the place. Why is that?! That doesn't seem fair." God looks at him seriously for a moment, then with a smile replies: "That's not Weaver's house up there - that's mine."

In light of the fact that the vast majority of United fans may have missed out on the recent open bus tour of Manchester, Chairman Martin Edwards has today announced a 2nd bus tour around the M25.

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for seven days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him. He inquired of God, "where were you?"

God breathed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds: "Look son, look what I'm after making."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" God replied, "It's another planet but I'm after putting *life* on it. I've named it earth and there's going to be a balance between everything on it."

"For example, there's north America and south America. North America is going to be rich and south America is going to be poor. Now look over here. I've put a continent of whites in the north and another one of blacks in the south."

And then the archangel said, "And what's that green dot there?" And God said "Ahhh that's Maine Road - that's a very special place. That's going to be the most glorious spot on earth. The people there will be treated to football of the highest order by the very best purveyors of the beautiful game. The players will make the fans happy, and the fans will treat the players with reverence and love. No evil shall ever find its way into this place without being sent hame with its tail between its legs."

Michael the Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration, but then seeming startled, he proclaimed: "Hold on a second, what about the *balance*, you said there was going to be a balance..."

God replied wisely: "Wait until you see the bas****s I'm putting next door to them."

A Man Utd fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Man Utd shirt. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St Peter in a City scarf.

"Hello mate" says St Peter, "I'm sorry, no Man Utd fans in heaven."

"What?" exclaims the man, astonished.

"You heard, no Man Utd fans."

"But, but, but, I've been a good man", replies the Man Utd supporter.

"Oh really", says St Peter "What have you done, then?"

"Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa".

"Oh" says St Peter "anything else?"

"Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless."

"Hmmm. Anything else?"

"Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans."

"Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor."

Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns.

He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your thirty quid back, now fu*k off."

Alex Ferguson is sat at home polishing his three trophies when the phone rings.

"Hello boss, it's David here." says the caller.
"Hello David what's wrong?" says (Sir) Alex.
"Well, Posh has bought me this jigsaw and I just can't get any pieces to go together."
"What is it meant to be?" enquires Mr F.
"Well, it's meant to be a chicken according to the box, boss, but it's doing me head in."
Always being one to try and keep his team happy, Alex says "Well bring it round and I'll see if I can help you."

So 20 minutes later Becks and Fergie are stood over the kitchen table, whilst David bemoans the fact the pieces don't go together, so he is unable to make the picture of the chicken on the box.

"David," says Alex, "Put the f**king Cornflakes back in the box lad".

Claudia Schiffer, Bill Gates and Saddam Hussein were gathered in a room. Claudia Schiffer started bragging: "Oh, I'm the most beautiful woman in the world!" Bill Gates looked at Claudia and said: "Yes, but I'm the wealthiest man in the world!" Saddam Hussein laughed at them and said: "OK, but I'm the most hated man in the world!" Then Claudia Schiffer said: "I have a truth-mirror in the next room. We can check if what we claim is true by saying it into the mirror." They all thought that was a good idea. First, Claudia Schiffer went in to the room. After 2 minutes, she came out; "It is true. I am the most beautiful woman in the world!" Then it was Bill Gates turn, and after 3 minutes he came out and said: "Yes, I AM the wealthiest man in the world!" At last it was Saddam Hussein's turn, and after 20 minutes Saddam came out - p****d off - and screamed: "Who the f**k is David Beckham?"

David Beckham walks into a beauty salon to get a hair cut with headphones on. The hairdresser asks him to take them off for the haircut and he replies "I can't, I'll die." She proceeds to cut his hair and it looks awful.

Six weeks later he comes in for another haircut. The hairdresser pleads with him "Please take your headphones off - I can't make your hair look stylish." Once again the Becks replies "I can't, I'll die." So he receives another awful haircut.

Six weeks later Davey-boy turns up at the salon and once again the hairdresser says "Please take your headphones off - I can make your hair beautiful if you would just take off the headphones." "I can't, I'll die," says the overpaid pillock. The hairstylist proceeds to cut his hair. While doing so Becks falls asleep. The hairstylist quickly thinks to herself: I will remove the headphones and replace them before he wakes up, I'll make his hair look wonderful. Seconds after doing this he falls off the chair. The hairdresser checks and he isn't breathing. Dying to know what was keeping him alive with the headphones on, she places them on her head. She hears... "Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out."